Lost in Darkness

Updating

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 00:24:30 GMT

I'm sorry for not updating in a long ass time!
Work has been kicking my ass and I haven't had much time to write on my fic.
I am writing on chapter two, it is just taking me a while to finish it.
I promise to post it the moment I have it ready.
In the meantime please try to bear with me.

Where the Heart is: Chapter One

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:45:33 GMT

Title: Where the Heart is
Author: gothic_angel86
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: NC-17
Genre: AU, Drama, Romance
Notes: Inspired by The Family Man.
Disclaimer: Jensen and Jared belong to themselves.
Summary: One night Jared goes to sleep only to wake up the next morning with a family. Is this just a horribly long dream or is he trapped in this new life? If it is a dream will he still want to give up this new life of his when it’s time to wake up?

Chapter One:
Boulevard of Broken Dreams

The sun is quickly going down on another day as Jared enters his one bedroom apartment, remembering at the last minute to shut and lock the door behind him. He feels run down and strung out and all he wants to do is kick back and do nothing for the remainder of his night. He has had one of the shittiest days at work, nothing seemed to go right for him and every time he turned around it seemed like he was getting yelled at for something. Now that he is home one would think he would be relieved, but alas that is not the case. Coming home to a cold and empty apartment does nothing for his sour mood because it only reminds him of how shitty his life really is.

Letting out a world weary sigh, he stumbles to his tiny kitchen and pulls a bottle of Jack out of the cupboard. After the day he has had, a simple beer just isn’t going to cut it. Unscrewing the cap and tossing it in the general direction of the trashcan, Jared makes his way into the poorly lit living room and drops down onto his recliner. The TV remote is sitting where he left it last night but he doesn’t bother to turn it on. He isn’t really in the mood for it tonight, probably wouldn’t be able to focus on a show even if he tried.

Taking a long pull from the bottle clutched in his grasp, he stares unseeingly out the window to his right and wonders how his life took such a disappointing turn. He had such high hopes for his life, had everything planned out even when he was a teenager, but none of it worked out the way he had hoped. All the aspirations he had for his life are nonexistent and he can’t help wondering where he went wrong.

For a few years everything had been perfect, he had no reasons to complain, and he had been happy. He should have known it was too good to last. In the end all he found was heartache and unhappiness. Sandy, the girl he has loved since he was eighteen and new to California, cheated on him and acted like she didn’t care in the slightest. He never would have even known about it if he hadn’t caught her in the act. Part of him wishes he never would have come home early that day, but the larger part of him is glad he found out.

She had been cheating on him for over a year, and that whole time he was oblivious. She never led on that she was unhappy, never gave him a reason to believe he wasn’t giving her what she needed. He had been foolish and naïve; trusted her when he obviously shouldn’t have. He had loved her with everything he had and thought she was the one. Now he realizes she was never the person he made himself believe she was. He put her on some sort of pedestal when he was a naïve eighteen year old, couldn’t see her for the person she was. She wasn’t perfect like his young mind made her out to be and that was a mistake he learned the hard way.

If having his wife cheat on him wasn’t enough, he also has a shitty job to add to the list of things gone wrong. Ever since he can remember he has aspired to be a chef, planned to go to college and everything. He had been determined and he knew he had the skills to make it as a chef. That, unfortunately, hadn’t worked out because Sandy had decided she wanted acting lessons but she didn’t have the money to pay for it. She had pouted for weeks until Jared finally gave in. He helped get her acting lessons, using the money he had saved for college because he knew how much it meant to her.

He pretty much screwed himself over in the end because he was never able to save enough money to go to college, there was always something Sandy wanted to do and he always put her before himself. She never followed through with her latest fancy, so all the money that came out of Jared’s pocket was for nothing in the end. It had bothered him, but he knew all these things Sandy wanted to try made her happy and that was all he had ever wanted.

Honing his skills became a pipe dream he knew he’d never make a reality so he settled with getting a job at a local restaurant. It was never a job he wanted or saw as his future, but it paid the bills and the rent so he made due with what he’d been given. Being a waiter wasn’t all that bad on most days but it certainly was never what he wanted to do with his life. He knew with the right training he could have made it as a chef, would have had the life he dreamed of, but Sandy was the most important person in his life and all he wanted was to make her happy. If there was ever a reason to give up his dream, he figured she was the one person worth the sacrifice.

Oh how wrong I was, he thinks to himself with a smile full of bitter irony.

He knows the divorce will likely be a messy one but she is the one who committed adultery so he isn’t too worried about her ripping him blind of all he’s got. Not that I have a whole lot to my name, nothing worth anything anyway, he muses to himself.

A magazine lying on the coffee table draws his attention and he reaches out to pick it up, flipping through the pages until he finds the one he is looking for, the one he has been staring at for days. A man with light brown hair and stunning green eyes stare up at him from the glossy page, finger indentions creasing the edges. Jensen is even more gorgeous than Jared remembers him to be, his eyes a brighter shade of green than he could ever recall, though that might be a neat trick of the camera man’s. Seriously, does anyone have eyes that green? They can’t be that mesmerizing in real life, at least he doesn’t remember them being so beautiful.

Jensen certainly seems to be doing well for himself and Jared couldn’t be more happy for him, if not a little envious at the same time. Jensen never wanted fame and fortune like Jared did but he seems to have gotten over his own dreams and became the male model everyone told him he could be.

Jen has always been a simple man who only wanted a nice home and a quiet life, to work in his mother’s store and raise a family in their home town. That was all he wanted out of life and seeing him on this glossy paper of a magazine kind of makes Jared feel sad. What Jensen wanted out of life might have changed for all Jared knows, Jen could very well be perfectly happy with what he has, but Jared can’t help feeling that the green eyed boy he grew up with deserved that simple small town life Jared wasn’t willing to share with him.

He had figured Jensen would find someone else to have that life with though and seeing his picture in a magazine, with clothes tight enough it leaves little to the imagination, shirt unbuttoned at the top to showcase a tantalizing patch of tanned skin, it just… well it just seems wrong somehow. Like this isn’t how things are meant to be.

“You’re not supposed to be a model,” he speaks softly as he stares at Jensen’s face, taking in bright green eyes and slight smirk on those full lips…

Jared rushes through the airport with Jensen a step behind him, trying his best to keep up with Jared’s fast strides. The plane Jared is supposed to be on will leave without him if he doesn’t rush though. He arrived later than he had hoped and now they will have little time for a proper goodbye.

He starts a little when Jensen’s hand slides into his own, palm resting against palm, fingers entwining so as to not lose him in the crowd. He glances back at his boyfriend, seeing the way hair falls in front of emerald eyes and Jared tries to take the image with him for while he is on the plane and a thousand miles away from home.

Turning to face forward once more, dodging a collision with a family saying their heartfelt goodbyes, he sighs in relief at the sight of his gate. Jensen tugs him to a stop before they reach it though and turns Jared to face him, eyes glossy with sadness.

“Are you sure this is what you want Jay?” He asks softly, as though reluctant to ask it because he's afraid he will receive the answer he isn’t looking for.

“You know this is my dream Jen, of course this is what I want.” These words feel like a betrayal but for the life of him Jared can’t understand why. It has been no secret that all his life has been working up to this point, so why does he feel like he’s letting Jensen down somehow?

“I know, and I’d never want to stand in the way of that, but… but do you have to go so far away? I mean, why California? You could go to the college here and get the experience and learn the skills you need,” Jensen says persuasively, hopeful eyes staring into ones filled with regret.

“Mr. Morgan is the teacher in California Jen, and I want to learn from the best. If I hope to work in one of those famous restaurants, possibly even in Paris, I need to learn from someone like him. You can understand that can’t you?” Jared asks in a whisper, pleading for Jensen to understand.

Jensen goes silent for a moment, biting his lip in thought as his hands grip tighter to Jared, as though afraid he will lose him for good if he lets go. “We could have a good life Jay,” Jensen starts slowly, looking intently into Jared’s eyes, trying to change his mind. “You could still become a chef if you go to the college here; the teachers are just as good I’m sure. And we could have a home, our own home. One where we could build our lives together, make memories, good ones. We could adopt a couple of kids, maybe have a dog or two… we could be a family. That’s all I want Jared, I want to start a family with you, but… how can I do that when you’re so far away?”

Jared feels choked up, unable to find any words to say to Jensen because he knows his boyfriend just put his heart on the line and one wrong word from Jared will break it. The things Jensen is proposing, what he is offering, sounds so good but… but at the same time it just isn’t what Jared wants. That is Jensen’s dream, what Jensen wants out of life, not Jared. Maybe eventually he will want that, after he achieves his own dream, but he isn’t so sure Jensen is willing to put his dream on hold long enough for Jared to reach his. Not to mention Jared never planned on settling down in their hometown, his dreams are bigger than this little town. It isn’t fair, for either of them, and Jared knows it.

“Please Jay,” Jensen continues, tears starting to gather in his eyes. “Please, just stay. Don’t go to California. Stay here, with me.”

Jared takes a step closer to Jensen, placing a palm against a smooth cheek as he leans forward and rests his forehead against Jen’s. He takes a deep breath, feeling like his heart is lodged somewhere in his throat because he knows this is the end. He and Jensen just want different things out of life and it wouldn’t be fair on either of them to continue something that is clearly going nowhere fast. He hates to do it, but he knows he is the only one that will at this point and it really is what’s best for the both of them in the long run. They will both be happier this way, he is sure of it.

Needing to feel Jensen’s lips against his own one last time he draws his boyfriend into a lingering kiss that says I love you and goodbye all at once. Jensen gasps a little against his mouth, it isn’t a sound of pleasure but of pain instead and it breaks Jared’s heart a little to hear it. The last thing he wants to do is hurt Jensen, he does love him, but their lives are taking them down different paths and he really can’t see their relationship surviving. He is convinced they will both be happier in the long run but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell right now.

“You’re gonna get on that plane and never come back, aren’t you?” Jensen’s voice is nothing but a pained whisper when their kiss breaks, his eyes still closed, unable to face the end of them. “You’re leaving me behind.”

Jared has to bite his lip at these words that ring so very true, he is leaving Jensen behind… that’s something he never planned or expected to do, all his thoughts of the future used to include Jensen. When did that change? Jared honestly doesn’t know but he does know it isn’t a spur of the moment thing, this has been coming for some time now, it’s just that neither of them noticed it.

“I’m sorry Jen.” Even as he says these words it feels inadequate and unintentionally cold considering all they’ve been through together, how long they’ve been in a relationship. “This is something I have to do though and I can’t ask you to put your dreams on hold for me, or even give them up. I won’t do that to you even if you said it was okay. We both know it isn’t and the last thing I want is for you to be unhappy. I love you, and I always will, but… I’m going to California, I have to go, I’ll regret it if I don’t.”

“I know,” Jensen concedes with a sigh, lower lip wobbling even though he visibly tries to keep it from doing so. “And I want you to be happy. If going to California is what you have to do then I can wait for you, our relationship doesn’t have to end Jay. I don’t want to lose you.”

“I want you to be happy too though, I want you to follow your dreams, and I don’t want you to have to wait for me. I love you Jen… enough to let you go.” The words seems less sincere than he means or wants them to be, tasting of ash in his mouth, and briefly he wonders if he’s giving up too easily and will regret it when it’s too late to take it back. Internally he shakes his head, telling himself he’s doing what is best for the both of them, and then he gives Jensen a soft, sad smile. I’m doing the right thing, he tells himself as he embraces Jensen’s slumped form and then forces himself to walk away, doing his damnedest not to look back.

Jared had it good with Jensen, he has always known he did, and the pain of breaking up with Jen didn’t fade easily, in fact it hurt like hell for a long time, even while he was with Sandy. He eventually moved on though, gave his heart to Sandy, but Jen has always been at the back of his mind and had a special place in Jared’s heart. He can’t say he is in love with Jensen anymore, he doesn’t even really know the man now, but Jen will always be special to him.

Sitting here now however, alone and broken from his wife’s betrayal, he can’t help but wonder what could have been. Would he be happy right now, with a family, if he had stayed that night instead of getting on the plane bound for broken and forgotten dreams? It is hard to imagine though, so much time has passed and he just isn’t the same man he was back then.

As much as he wonders what his life would be like had he stayed he can’t say he completely regrets his choice to leave, at the time it was the path he needed to take and now, seven years later, he can’t imagine being happy with that life any more than he is with the one he has right now. He will always love Jensen but he isn’t in love with him anymore.

Right now he feels lost and is hurting, so it’s natural to wonder about the life he could have had with his ex. What he needs to do is put the bottle of Jack away and get some sleep, maybe in the morning he will have a better perspective on things and can start trying to rebuild his life. He has nothing holding him back now from pursuing his dreams and he feels it is about time he got back to worrying about what he wants out of life.

He put off his dreams for Sandy, because he loved her, but now it’s time to live for him. There is no use in worrying about ‘what ifs’ and he knows thinking about Jensen will get him nowhere because they aren’t in love anymore, he doesn’t honestly want to be with Jen again, and even if he did that ship had sailed long ago. That’s all in the past, and more often than not you just can’t go back. He is going to go after his dream and this time he won’t be deterred, he gave up his relationship with Jensen for his dream and he won’t let that be for nothing… not anymore.

Letting out a sigh for his thoughts that are seemingly on the spin cycle, he looks at the alcohol in his right hand with a glare of distaste, like it is to blame for his nostalgia and pointless wondering. He leaves the bottle on the coffee table and trudges his way to his bedroom, limbs loose and weighed down by the alcohol. He falls down onto his bed in an ungraceful, drunken heap and is passed out before his head even hits the pillow.

~~Next Chapter~~

Regret

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:50:43 GMT

Title: Regret
Author: gothic_angel86
Pairing: wishful Jensen/Jared
Genre: Angst, AU
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes we say things we later regret but there is no changing what has already been done.

Disclaimer: Jensen and Jared belong to themselves.

Regret

Ever since that fateful day I haven't been able to move on. I just can't get over what was said, the words repeat over and over within my mind and are tormenting me. One word in particular will allow me no rest and has stayed with me since the moment it flowed on your tongue and past your lips for my awaiting, naive ears.

I regret starting that conversation, things were best left alone and I knew this, so why did I not listen to my mind when it was screaming at me to stop? Why did I put myself in such a vulnerable position where I was certain I would not come out of it victoriously?

You are living your life as if what was said between us meant nothing, and maybe it didn't. Yet, I can't put it in the past and I don't know how to move on with my life. I wish things had gone differently, wish you would have just given it a chance. That wasn't what you wanted though, and as much as I hate it, you will never want it.

You haven't said a word to me since that day and I am missing you terribly. We've always close, we've been friends for years and I miss those random conversations we would engage in. Don't get me wrong you are friendly towards me and I am grateful for this, but things have changed between us and there is no denying that. I feel as if you have pulled away from me... or am I the one pulling away from you? I guess it is possible since I feel so foolish and heartbroken. In my mind I want to run and hide from you, but in my heart I am missing you deeply. Can't you see what this is doing to me Jared? Do you even care?

I realize there is no going back to the way things were, my actions have ruined that. There is no way of taking back my words and now I must deal with the consequences of my foolishness. I can't seem to adjust to the way things are now, but I also know I have little choice in the matter.

You have always been a ladies man, there is no denying that. But it seems to me that you are going out of your way to flirt with every girl in the lab. Am I being overly dramatic and reading too far into your flirtatious nature? I don't remember you practically throwing yourself at every girl you came across though. Is this a way to prove your heterosexuality? Who are you trying to prove a point to Jared... me or yourself?

I tried to tell myself that I was overreacting, but then we all went out for breakfast after work. You suggested a diner not too far from the crime lab so we all went there. I didn't think too much about it at the time, but then I met her. You introduced Anna as your girlfriend and I soon learned that things were becoming serious between the two of you... at least that is what you made perfectly clear. She was moving in with you that weekend, which is a big step for you. The moment I saw her though and the way you acted around her, I knew you were in love.

I have known many forms of pain in my short lifetime. The agony of emotional pain such as losing a loved one to death, the physical and emotional pain of feeling humiliated by being bullied in school and being too weak to put an end to it and the excruciating pain of being shot at a crime scene that nearly took my life. A different kind of pain however is seeing someone take you away from me, which so far has been the worst pain of all.

When we pass in the halls, see each other in the locker room, in the break room or are working a case together you act no different toward me. There is one thing I never noticed before however, which I now realize was always there, is you avoid having to touch me and you are very distant in every conversation we have. You are hesitant with everything you do while around me and that probably kills me the most. How could I have not seen the signs?

Though our conversation was but a short one, it gave me more pain than I have dealt with in a long time. It's amazing what one simple word can do to a heart. It caused me tremendous grief that I have yet to recover from and I am unsure if I will ever recover.

From my seat in the break room, where I have been lost within my thoughts, I see you standing with Chad. You are engaged in conversation, no doubt about your recent case, and when you look over at me my breath catches in my throat. Your eyes hold my gaze for a moment... they reveal sympathy, but not a trace of guilt or regret.

You turn your head away and continue speaking with Chad while my gaze lingers a moment longer, unable to let go of the sight of you quite yet. I wait a moment longer in a way to see if you will glance in my direction again, but when that moment never arrives I lower my eyes to the glass table in front of me with a deep sigh of misery. I can't help but think to myself... Why did I cross that line? Why couldn't I leave well enough alone? Will I ever get him back? One day will he come to be my friend again?

Once again I look in Jared's direction and want to cry out to him to as I watch him walk away. I find myself whispering, "I need you Jay, and I don't know how to live without you. Please don't leave me alone." but the empty room is the only thing that hears my broken heart. I may smile and pretend all is okay, but unknown to you my heart bleeds in hiding.

"I love you."
"I know."
"Do you love me?"
"No."

The End

In the Wake of the Aftermath

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 02:20:05 GMT

Title: In the Wake of the Aftermath
Author: gothic_angel86
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Michael Weatherly
Genre: Angst, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Read In the Wake of the Downfall and The Aftermath of the Downfall before this one... Jensen is doing everything he knows to move on with his life and give all his love to Michael, but things aren’t working out the way he thought they would.

Disclaimer: Jensen and Jared belong to themselves, and as far as I know this never happened.

In the Wake of the Aftermath

It is after midnight and Jensen is still wide awake. He should be sleeping, he has to work in the morning, but his mind just won’t rest. He can’t help but wonder if he has made a horrible mistake and if he can make things right again. Part of him is screaming, saying Jared doesn’t deserve him, but the other part of him craves the younger man like an addiction.

He is in a committed relationship with Michael now but he isn’t happy like he made Jared believe. Sure, in the beginning he clung to Michael because he gave him the love he so desperately needed, it felt good to feel wanted again, but things have changed and his happiness has steadily disappeared. He had foolishly thought things were going to work out, that they had a second chance, but he has come to learn that Michael hasn’t changed. He is still the jerk Jensen remembers; he had just hid it pretty damn well. But his true colors have started to show and Jensen isn’t so sure he likes the person he has come to know anymore.

All Michael cares about his career, just like he always has, and he doesn’t care who he hurts so long as he gets what he wants. Half of the time he acts like Jensen isn’t even there; only comes to him when he wants him. All I am is convenient to him, Jensen’s mind supplies for him; breaking him apart inside a little more. He never really loved me, he just pretended to.

Jensen glances over at the slumbering man beside him and feels his heart grow colder towards his boyfriend. He moved from a heartbreaking relationship to a loveless one, he doesn’t like his track record. He is beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with him; if he is unlovable. Jared cheated on him and Michael acts like he isn’t even there. Maybe I should try being alone for a while, he thinks to himself in the silence of the night.

Rising from the bed carefully, so as to not wake his boyfriend, Jensen walks out of his room, sock clad feet sliding along the hard wood flooring. He steps out into the living room and sits down on his old recliner. The street outside the window to his right is silent and calm, belying how he is feeling inside. He stares out into the dark night, heart aching in his chest, wondering how Jared is and if he is finding himself having a sleepless night like Jensen is.

They have been able to reclaim their lost friendship, though it hadn’t been easy, and Jensen is glad they were able to salvage it. He really couldn’t have cut Jared out of his life completely, even if he had wanted to. The connection they share is rare and he would never want to lose that bond. Besides, they work together and needed to find a way to get along… so in a lot of ways their job saved their friendship.

There are times when Jensen will catch Jared staring at him, though, with this sad lost puppy look on his face. Jensen can see that Jared still cares about him; still thinks about what they had. He gets the feeling that the younger man hasn’t let him go yet, and he honestly isn’t sure how to feel about that. On one hand he wants Jared to be happy, he doesn’t deserve to suffer the way he is, but Jensen also can’t help feeling, especially lately, that they still have a chance at relighting the flame that once burned so brightly.

He is afraid to let Jared in again, though… what if he gets hurt again?

You know it only breaks my heart
To see you standing in the dark
Oh, waiting there for me
To come back
I’m too afraid to show

Jensen is pulled from his thoughts when a hand lands on his shoulder. He raises his eyes to find Michael standing there, hair standing up in odd angles. His boyfriend doesn’t look too pleased, waking up alone, and Jensen can’t help feeling bitter about that. He knows that Michael wasn’t missing him, per se; he just has trouble sleeping alone and will wake up almost automatically. That explains why he is always in a relationship, you never see Michael single for long.

“Come back to bed, Jen, you know I have fly back to work tomorrow and I have to be at the top of my game, there’s a lot of people counting on me.” Michael says, tugging on the sleeve of Jensen’s shirt.

At this something snaps in Jensen, something that was hanging by a loose thread to begin with. “Is that all you care about? Your damn job? What about me, Michael? When are you ever going to start caring about me?’

“What the hell are you talking about?” Michael asks with a surprised expression on his face, staring at Jensen like he’s gone insane. “No, you know what; it is way too damn late for this shit! Let’s go to bed and we’ll deal with this after work.”

“You won’t be back for another two weeks, this can’t wait that long.” Jensen argues, growing more and more frustrated.

“What do you want from me, Jen?” Michael growls, a clear warning in his eyes. “I can’t just give up my job for you; you wouldn’t do that for me.”

“I’m not asking you to give up your job, Mike, I’m simply asking for you to care about me at least a fraction as much as you care about NCIS. Is that too much to ask for?”

“I’m not gonna listen to this, I’m going to bed… are you coming?”

“You are unbelievable.” Jensen whispers, looking at his boyfriend like he doesn’t even know him… This is pretty much how he feels. “How is this ever going to work out if you can’t even compromise with me? You can’t even spare thirty minutes to talk with me about something that is truly bothering me. Do you care for me at all?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Michael fires back, dropping down onto the couch nearby with a heavy sigh.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jensen asks, hurt.

“You don’t think I know that you’re still in love with Jared?” He asks, looking at Jensen incredulously. “Give me a little credit, Jen, I’m not stupid.”

What’s coming over you
What’s coming over me
Crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to sea
And I want to be with you
If you want to be with me
Crashing like a tidal wave
I don’t wanna be
Stranded

Jensen deflates the minute these words pass Michael’s lips. With someone else speaking aloud all that he is feeling within… Well, he can’t exactly hide from the truth anymore. The fact that his relationship is falling apart isn’t completely all Michael’s fault, Jensen is to blame as well. He can’t exactly give his heart to his boyfriend when it already belongs to another. He has never truly gotten over Jared, and part of him wonders if he ever will.

When you love someone so completely, when you give your very soul to that person, it is kind of difficult to move on after things fall down. He tried moving on, thought he could be happy with Michael, but he is now beginning to see that isn’t going to happen.

He finally lifts his sad eyes to Michael and offers a tiny, worthless smile. Michael seems to understand what this smile means and he slowly nods his head in resignation. Jensen hadn’t meant to drag him into the middle of this, he never wanted to hurt the other man, but he has a feeling that he did just that. Not that Michael hasn’t hurt him as well, in the past and present, but that doesn’t make what Jensen did right, either.

“So, this is really it, huh?” Michael asks after a moment of silence.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Jensen replies softly, unsure what to say to make the situation a little more bearable. He can’t exactly say he is sorry; they are just words, after all.

“I kinda already knew it would come to this, I saw the way you looked at him; some nights you’ve even called out his name in your sleep.” He confesses quietly, watching Jensen for a reaction.

Jensen’s eyes widen in surprise. “Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”

“Didn’t really see the point in it,” Michael responds with a shrug. “Besides, I guess I just wasn’t ready to give you up quite yet, as selfish as that is. I‘ve always wanted to be with you, even back in our Dark Angel days… I guess that‘s why I was such a jerk to you.”

“I’m sorry Mike, for how everything turned out.” Jensen whispers, shame coursing through his veins. “I never meant for you to get hurt in all this. For what it’s worth, I really did try to love you.”

“You can’t make a heart love someone, Jen… It’s okay, I get it.” Michael says as he stands up. “A few words of advice, though, if you really love Jared… don’t let him get away. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

Without so much as another word Michael heads back into the bedroom, likely to gather his things, and Jensen is left to think about what he said. Should he give Jared another shot? Can he honestly put his heart out there again after everything he has been through?

He will never truly be able to forgive Jared for cheating on him, and it will surely take a lot of time for him to trust the other man again. Jared hurt him a lot more than he ever let on, he has major trust issues now and can only seem to see the worst in people, and it has taken quite a bit of strength just to be the younger man’s friend.

Still, he does love Jared, never stopped. He constantly thinks back on the good times, remembering how in love they were. He remembers the trip to Paris that they took, something they had always talked about doing but never thought they would. Jared had surprised him, though, on their second year anniversary. He also recalls the visit that made to Dallas, when his dad took that picture of them. He had been so happy that day, had felt like his family was complete with Jared at his side.

He also remembers the times they would just sit on the couch, though, and play Guitar Hero and eat pizza. And the times when they’d curl up on the couch and watch a movie. His favorite memory was when Jared begged him to watch the Goonies, Jensen complaining the whole time, and by the time they sat down to watch the movie Jensen was the one that wanted to watch the movie while all Jared wanted to do was make out like a couple of teenagers.

Yes, there is no denying that he has some fond memories with Jared, and he would love to be given the chance to make some more. It might take some time, they have to get passed the disaster their breakup has left behind, but Jensen is sure that he wants to give it a shot. And thinking about what Michael said, he doesn’t want to regret not trying to fix things between them.

It’s time to get my life back, Jensen resolves in his mind as he snatches his car keys off the coffee table and doesn’t even bother to tell Michael that he is leaving.

I miss you
I need you
Without you
I’m stranded
I love you
So come back
I’m not afraid to show

By the time Jensen reaches Jared’s house his heart is racing and his palms are sweaty. He hasn’t quite figured out what he is going to say once they are face to face, but he’s sure his heart will speak for him when the time comes. He briefly considers the thought that maybe Jared has moved on, maybe he’s too late, but he banishes these thoughts immediately.

Moments later he is standing in front of Jared’s front door and knocking frantically, not stopping once. He can hear Sadie and Harley barking on the other side, alerting their owner to his presence. This doesn’t stop him, however; he just keeps knocking like some crazy person. Love will do that to a person, though, it makes you do insane things. Love is impatient and unpredictable, that is why people strive so hard to obtain it.

The door is thrust open just as Jensen’s fist is about to hit it and he pulls his hand back immediately. Jared is sleep rumbled and confused and so very endearing to Jensen. He feels kind of bad about waking Jared up at two in the morning but he also knows this was necessary. Just the sight of the younger man puts Jensen at ease, an all consuming sense of love swelling in his heart. How he ever thought he could give this man up, he doesn’t know. ‘Cause looking at him now, seeing the concern and care in Jared’s eyes, feels like coming home.

“Jen, are you okay? What are you doing here at this hour?” Jared asks and Jensen never thought it would be so good to hear ‘Jen’ leave Jay’s mouth, hearing it from Michael just wasn’t the same and simply sounded wrong.

Jensen allows Jared to usher him into the apartment, moving into the living room and taking a seat on the couch. For a moment he can’t even speak, he can only stare at Jared, taking it all in slowly. The other man looks really good, if not a bit sleep deprived, if the bags under his eyes are anything to go by.

“You’re scaring me, Jen, has something happened? Is your family okay?” Jared asks a million questions at once and it just makes Jensen love him more.

“They’re all fine Jay, I just really had to see you; I needed to talk to you.” Jensen finally manages to speak, quelling Jared’s fears.

“And it couldn’t wait till tomorrow?” Jared laughs, eyebrows raised in amusement.

Jensen smiles softly and shakes his head. He takes a moment to collect his thoughts, unsure how to proceed now that he is here. He kind of wishes he would have come up with something to say before he arrived instead of relying on his heart to speak for him, but it’s a little too late for that now so he’ll have to do his best to express himself on a whim.

“Jay… we have been through a lot over the past six months, we’ve hurt so much and I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t bear to live like this, I want more; I need more.”

Jared’s eyes widen when he hears this and Jensen can see his heart shining through, breaking apart before his very eyes. “What are you saying, Jen? You telling me that you don’t want to be my friend anymore, either?” Jared questions brokenly, unshed tears shining in his eyes. “What did I do wrong?”

Jensen immediately reaches out and takes Jared’s hand in his; praying that the smile on his face is as reassuring as he wants it to be. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Jay, I just… Well…” Jensen trails off nervously, having a brief fear of putting his heart on the line. He glances down at their hands, fingers somehow entwined of their own accord, and raises his eyes to meet Jared’s. “I have a question for you and I really need an honest answer, think you can do that for me?”

Jared looks more confused than before, which Jensen can’t blame him. “Yeah, of course, anything you want Jensen.”

Jensen takes a deep breath before asking the burning question, the one that could start to heal or break his heart. “Do you still love me, Jay?”

Jensen is expecting hesitance on Jared’s part, or some kind of reluctance to answer. What he receives is, “I never stopped,” and Jared is dead serious when he says it. Jensen isn’t sure whether to smile or cry.

“I was hoping you would say that,” Jensen says with a trembling laugh, crinkles at the corners of his eyes, “’cause I love you too, Jay.”

A smile is threatening to develop on Jared’s face but Jensen can see him fighting it, obviously not wanting to get his hopes up. “But what about Michael?”

Jensen wants to laugh at the way Jared says the name, like it is a bad taste on his tongue that he can’t seem to spit out. It is familiar, and a reaction that is just so Jared, and Jensen finds that he enjoys hearing it.

“He’s outta the picture, we broke up.” Jensen answers with a small, soft smile. “It never would’ve worked anyway, he knew I was in love with you and I couldn’t pretend not to be anymore.”

“Are you saying you want to give us another shot?” Jared asks quietly, fear of rejection in his eyes. “Are you considering taking me back?”

“I love you Jared, and I’ve missed you like hell. I was afraid to take you back, I didn’t want to be hurt again, but I can’t live without you, man. These past six months have been hell on me, I wanna come back home.” Jensen admits, instantly feeling as though a weight has been lifted from his shoulders and like everything is slowly coming together.

“I never thought you’d say that to me, I was hoping for it, but I never expected it. I was pretty convinced that I’d lost you.” Jared says as he pulls Jensen into a Padalecki bear hug, holding onto him like he’s afraid Jensen will disappear. Jensen wraps his arms around Jared in return, burying his face in his neck and breathing in the familiar scent that he has missed so much. “I promise you won’t regret this, I’ll treat you right this time; I’ll give you the love you deserve.”

“Don’t even think about cheating on me, my heart wouldn’t survive it a second time.” Jensen laughs tearfully as his says this, though he means every word. “I’m serious, you cheat on me again and that’s it, I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again.”

“I won’t make that mistake twice Jen; I’d die before I hurt you again. Losing you just about killed me, and there is no way I could bear to lose you once again. I’m not letting you go again; you’re stuck with me now.”

“I’m not saying this is going to be easy, Jay, I want to take things slow. It will be a while before I can fully trust you again, all the trust I had was pretty much killed. But I love you and I want to at least give us another chance.” Jensen looks Jared straight in the eyes as he says this, needing him to fully comprehend his words.

“I understand, Jen, and I’m willing to wait however long it takes.” Jared takes Jensen’s face in the palms of his hands as he says this. “I love you so much and I’m just grateful for this second chance, it’s certainly more than I deserve. I promise to do right by you this time, though.”

“I love you Jay.” Jensen whispers, the words barely audible, before leaning in and capturing Jared’s lips in a passionate kiss.

Jared kisses back just as eagerly, putting all his emotions into it, and slowly lays back till he is laying back on the couch with Jensen half on top of him. Jensen pulls out of the kiss almost reluctantly and smiles softly at his boyfriend, amazed that they are here in one another’s arms again. He never thought he would get the chance to feel this again, figured it would be just another memory he would look back on from time to time. He is glad they have been given a second chance, though, ‘because he honestly wasn’t ready to let Jared gone.

He snuggles into Jared‘s side and places his head on his chest, entwining their fingers over Jared‘s stomach. He closes his eyes as relief floods his being, feeling at peace for the first time in months. “Thank you for taking me back Jen, I promise you won’t regret it. I love you so damn much; you don’t even realize how much you mean to me.” Jared whispers and Jensen smiles as he falls asleep in his lover’s arms.

The End

Lyrics Used… Stranded by Jennifer Paige

A/N: Okay, this didn't exactly turn out the way I had planned it to, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. Some feedback would be very much appreciated. :)

The Aftermath of the Downfall

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:39:52 GMT

Title: The Aftermath of the Downfall
Author: gothic_angel86
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Michael Weatherly
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sequel to In the Wake of the Downfall... He single-handedly ruined the best thing in his life and now he can do nothing but live with it.

Disclaimer: Jensen and Jared belong to themselves, and as far as I know this never happened.

The Aftermath of the Downfall

Jared sits by the window in his trailer, legs stretched out in front of him, and stares unseeingly at the outside world. His chest is constricting painfully, guilt and pain blending together, but he knows he brought it upon himself. He single-handedly ruined the best thing in his life and now he can do nothing but live with it. He can't even look in the mirror anymore 'cause every time he does he doesn't recognize the man staring back at him. He has never been more ashamed of himself; doesn't know what compelled him to hurt the one person in this world who loved him unconditionally.

Just thinking back on the last month of their relationship makes him sick to his stomach. He knew what he was doing when he slept with those men, random men he picked up at bars and clubs, men he could care less about. There were no feelings involved when he went home with those men and fucked them. He was running away from his life; terrified.

He can still remember each time he came home, a little later than the time previous, and seeing the look on Jensen's face. Jensen wasn't stupid, he was suspicious. Jared had hardened himself, though, wouldn't let that look on his boyfriend penetrate the wall around his heart and emotions. He saw how much his unfaithfulness was killing Jensen, yet he acted as if he didn't care. He still went out the following night and picked up some stranger he knew he would have no emotional connection with.

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I saw you smiling in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

That night has crossed Jared's mind many times over the past five months and it never seems to get any easier. All the memory brings him is overwhelming pain and guilt. He had never felt bad when he slept around; could look into Jensen's eyes and feel no shame, but now all those absent feelings have caught up with him. He realizes what he had done to Jensen and the guilt of that acknowledgement nearly brings him to his knees.

Usually Jared has no problems going to sleep when he decides to go to bed, especially after a relaxing shower, but something was different that night. He had tossed and turned, strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, and had grown concerned when thirty minutes later Jensen still hasn't brought in the water he had asked for. When he went in search of his boyfriend a part of him already knew he wouldn't find the other man, in his heart he knew Jensen was gone.

He recalls, as he walked through the silent and empty house, all he felt was numb. It was like he didn't even know how he should feel. All he was able to do was sit on the couch, shadowed in darkness, and stare at the front door. He knew Jensen wasn't coming back home, wouldn't be walking through that door, and it was like his heart shut down at the mere thought. He just sat there for an unknown amount of hours, feeling numb and lost.

The reality of the situation didn't hit Jared until three months after Jensen had walked out the door with no intentions of returning. It happened when he was lying in bed. He had glanced over at Jensen's side of the bed, knowing that was where the gentle man belonged, and he broke down into tears. The wall he built around his heart crumbled down and he finally felt the pain of losing Jensen. The fact that he could have prevented it is what killed Jared inside; he knew he had no one to blame but himself. He finally felt terrible for hurting the man he promised to always love and it tore him apart.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside but we can't be heard

He isn't even going to attempt to lie by saying he had a valid excuse for cheating on Jensen; he knows he is a bastard who didn't, and still doesn't, deserve him. What he did is unforgivable and he doesn't blame Jensen if he doesn't want anything to do with him. He misses the other man like crazy and loves him more than he has a right to; wants to be apart of his life again. But if Jensen tells him to disappear from his life and never show his face again, well, then that is what he deserves. He isn't gonna try to force his way back into his life if Jensen doesn't want him there, he has hurt him enough and refuses to add salt to the wound.

He couldn't regret cheating any more than he does, and he will never forgive himself for it. He isn't the cheating kind; he really isn't... even though his actions would say different. If he were to tell anyone that he honestly never meant to hurt Jensen, they may not believe him, but it's the truth. He loves Jensen, never stopped, but he was scared. He let his past experiences ruin the best thing in his life; let his fear push away someone who loved him more than anyone else ever has and he can't change what's been done.

Jared has been in love twice before Jensen came along, and both times left him a little more scarred. The first had been his high school boyfriend, Thomas. Thomas had been the first person he had ever fallen in love with and he had fallen hard. He gave his all to his first love, thinking he was getting the same in return... he had been wrong. Thomas had never truly loved him; had been using him. As soon as he was done having his fun he dropped Jared like a piece of trash that disgusted him. He told him he wasn't gay, that he had only been experimenting with Jared, and then got back together with his ex-girlfriend.

Next in line to break Jared's heart was Sandy; the girl he thought was the love of his life. She had been so sweet and caring; the wholesome girl his momma always wanted him to find. She was funny and loving; really seemed to care about Jared. To be fair to her, he's sure she really did love him at one point in time. They had been together for years, after all, and they had been so very happy. Everyone had said what a great couple they were, the kind that made people envious. Sandy's flaw, however, had been that she craved fame too much. She was tired of being Jared's girlfriend and nothing more. She wanted a name for herself and figured she would never achieve that while hidden in Jared's shadow. She honestly seemed to feel bad about breaking it off with Jared, but that didn't make the pain any more bearable.

So when Jensen came along Jared was wary, guarding his heart like he hadn't with his previous relationships. Things were great for the first couple of years; Jared had never felt more complete in a relationship before. Jensen was everything Jared had ever been searching for; the connection between them was instant and it caught both of them by surprise. Some of the best moments of Jared's life were spent with Jensen; his fondest memories have Jensen right there by his side.

By the time he realized he was deeply in love with Jensen and those feelings were reciprocated he began to panic. He was afraid of Jensen falling out of love with him and breaking his heart like so many others before him had done. All Jared could think was he couldn't go through that pain again; especially with Jensen. His love for Thomas and Sandy didn't even compare to how passionately he loved Jensen, he knew that once everything fell apart he'd never survive. So he did the only thing he could think of to save himself the heartache, he distanced himself from the man he loved and cut off his emotions.

He had honestly thought he was doing the right thing; the thing that never occurred to him was that his own actions would hurt both of them irreparably.

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

Jared releases a heavy, broken sigh and shifts his eyes to the figure standing by one of the Impalas. Jensen is leaning against the car, sunlight bouncing off his hair and skin; making the smile on his face all the more brighter. Standing in front of him is none other than Michael Weatherly. Michael came back into Jensen's life a couple of months after their relationship came crashing down, was there to put Jensen back together again, and they have been dating for a few months now. Jared really wants to hate that guy, wants to despise him for sweeping in and stealing Jensen away from him, but he finds that he can't.

How can you possibly hate someone who makes Jensen smile like that? Jared glumly asks himself, watching the interaction between the two men. Did he ever smile at me like that? And if he did, how come I never noticed?

Jared can't ignore the way Jensen's whole face seems to light up whenever Michael is around, though it mostly makes Jared sick to his stomach. Even though he tortures himself like some sadist by watching the lovers avidly, he just can't draw his eyes away from the vision of Jensen before of him. His whole form just seems to radiate with his joy, his eyes shining like stars at midnight, and his smile is so captivating. Jared can’t help but wonder how he never noticed how beautiful Jensen can be when he is looking at someone with all of his emotions laid bare.

He looks so good in love, Jared thinks to himself in amazement. How the hell did I never notice? Damn, I wish he still wanted me.

Without thinking, Jared is off the couch in a flash and running out of his trailer. Jensen freezes when he sees him headed in his direction and looks torn; unsure whether he should stay or run away. In the end he stays frozen in the spot where he stands; watching Jared guardedly. Jared pauses in front of him, longing filling his heart, and softly asks if he can talk to him in private. Jensen looks like he’s going to say no, but then he turns to Michael and asks him to give them a minute.

Michael rests his hand on Jensen’s arm, squeezing soothingly with a warm smile on his face. He then turns to Jared and glares in warning before walking away to give them some privacy. Jared releases the breath he wasn’t even aware he was holding and looks at Jensen with soft, pain filled eyes.

“What do you want, Jared?” Jensen asks on a sigh, watching him with anguished eyes.

“I’ve been thinking a lot these past few months, about everything that happened between us. Look, Jen, I know I have no right to be talking to you about this, but I just couldn’t go on any longer with you thinking I didn’t love you because it’s not true. I never stopped loving you.” Jared says softly, eyes pleading with Jensen to understand.

Jensen looks incredulous. “Sorry if I find that a little hard to believe Jared, I mean, you cheated on me! Is that supposed to make me feel loved?”

“I’m sorry for hurting you Jen, you may never believe me, but I never wanted you to get hurt. Cheating on you was the shittiest thing I could’ve ever done and I can’t even begin to express how much I regret it. It’s just that I realized how much I was in love with you and I was scared of getting hurt so I pushed you away.” Jared has the decency to look ashamed and Jensen’s eyes soften a bit.

“Why on earth would you think I’d hurt you, I thought I made it pretty damn clear how much I adored you. Hurting you was the last thing I ever planned on doing, Jay… I had wanted to spend my life with you.” Jensen admits on a whisper, looking at Jared with tear filled eyes.

“I’ve been hurt in every relationship I’ve ever had and I was afraid of it happening again, I have never loved anyone as much as I love you Jensen and I knew that if I lost you it’d kill me. I thought I was sparing myself the heartache and pain, I didn’t realize until it was too late that I was making the biggest mistake of my life.” Tears slide down Jared’s face as he speaks, all his pain finally being released.

“I miss you Jen, and I still love you more than ever. You don’t know how badly I want you back; how badly I want to make things right between us.” Jared confesses with a hitched breath, attempting to laugh but the sound comes out broken.

The expression on Jensen’s face is one of anguish and Jared knows what he’s going to say before the other man even opens his mouth. “I’m sorry Jared; if you’d have told me all of this months ago we might’ve had a chance to work things out. I’m not saying for sure that we could’ve, just that we might’ve. But that doesn’t really matter now ‘cause I’m with Michael and I’m happy.”

Jared nods his head in understanding, attempting to smile reassuringly but falling flat. “I guess I already knew that, but I couldn’t keep it in, ya know. I had to tell you the truth, how I am feeling, even if that makes me selfish.”

“I understand Jared, and I’m glad you explained your reasoning for your actions. It helps me to understand a little better. I wish I could say I forgive you, but I don’t. Maybe one day I will but right now I just can’t. I hope you understand.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Jared replies softly, sad smile on his face.

Jensen watches him intently for a moment, seemingly unsure what to do now, but then he smiles, albeit awkwardly, and turns to walk away. Jared’s voice stops him, however, and he turns around once more to rest questioning eyes on Jared’s trembling form.

“I know this is probably too much to ask for, and I understand if you want nothing to do with me, but…” Jared takes a deep breath before continuing, pleading eyes looking at Jensen desperately. “Could we be friends again, like we used to be?”

Jensen is silent for a long moment, visibly contemplating this. “Maybe one day we can be friends again Jared. I’m not promising anything ‘cause, I won’t lie, there is some resentment in me, but, just…” Jensen trails off, sad eyes looking into Jared teary ones, before he eventually smiles slightly. “Maybe,”

Jensen doesn’t wait for a response before he is walking away once more; heading back to Michael and Jared is left to watch him go. Jared can’t help thinking that Michael is one lucky son of a bitch, all-the-while acknowledging the fact that he used to be the lucky one, and silently telling Michael that he better never hurt Jen.

Jared knows there is a good chance things will never be the same between him and Jensen again, their natural friendship may be too far out of reach. He may have ruined any chances of having Jensen in his life, in any shape or form. While he knows all of this, he is going to hold onto the hope of being friends again one day… he will break down if he doesn’t have something to have faith in.

He still loves Jensen, probably always will, and he really wanted them to get back together, but he already knew that was asking for too much. Friendship isn’t even a given at this point, so he really can’t be too picky right now. Friendship…, Jared silently rolls the word around in his head; smiling at the bittersweet ness of it. It’s better than nothing.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

The End

Lyrics Used… I Will Remember You - Sarah McLachlan

Note: I'm sorry if this wasn't very good, or if any of you were disappointed with it. I tried to make this as good as I possibly could and I wanted it to add up to the expectation In the Wake of the Downfall had left for it, but I'm not so sure I achieved that. Despite that, I hope you guys don't hate it too much.

In the Wake of the Downfall

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 09:30:57 GMT

Title: In the Wake of the Downfall
Author: gothic_angel
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Just thinking about how much has changed makes Jensen want to break down and cry, or scream in frustration and hurt.

Disclaimer: Jensen and Jared belong to themselves, and as far as I know this never happened.

In the Wake of the Downfall

Jensen is sitting on the couch in the living room, one foot tucked up underneath him with his hands in his lap. The silence in the small room is deafening and he can hear the clock ticking the seconds away. If he were to glance at the clock it would tell him that it is past one in the morning but his eyes don‘t slide away from the carpet. It is far too late to be up and Jared isn’t home, again.

He has been in this exact same position nearly every night for over a month now. Seems that Jared is always coming home late these days; always with an excuse for his disappearance. Just thinking about how much has changed makes Jensen want to break down and cry, or scream in frustration and hurt. There is no tenderness in Jared’s touch like there once had been and he doesn’t smile like he used to. His eyes don’t hold the warmth that Jensen can recall so clearly and he can no longer see the love in them like he used to. What really tears at his heart is when they are lying in bed he couldn’t feel more far away, like there are miles between them. The distance is palpable.

Jensen lowers his face into his hands and closes his eyes, wishing that he could somehow shelter himself from the pain. He wishes he didn’t have a clue as to what is going on with his boyfriend, but it is something he can’t deny. He has been suspicious for quite some time now. He wishes he didn’t love the younger man so much, maybe then he wouldn’t be hurting like he is now. Each time he is left waiting up for Jared’s return, knowing he is going to be lied to once he steps through the door, cuts him a little more inside and now his heart is covered in wounds.

Faucet’s running
Light’s all on
You don’t notice
That I’m gone
Gone the footsteps
And gone the sighs
Gone the smiles
Gone the lies

Jensen’s breath hitches in his throat when the front door finally opens but he doesn’t move from his spot on the couch. He silently watches as Jared shuts the door behind him and takes off his jacket, the one Jensen had bought him this past Christmas. Jared doesn’t offer a smile when he takes notice to Jensen sitting across the room, no warmth in his eyes or actions. He actually looks disappointed to see Jensen waiting up for him and that right there just pushes the knife further into his heart. Jensen doesn’t miss the way he avoids looking him in the eyes, either. This doesn’t surprise him, though; he knows Jared has something to hide.

“Why are you still awake?” Jared asks as he runs a hand through his hair, a nervous habit that Jensen has come to know so well.

Jensen feels his heart shattering into a thousand pieces at his feet as he stares at the man in front of him, the man he once thought loved him more than anything else in this world. “Couldn’t sleep,” Jensen responds and then asks the burning question, preparing himself for the lie that is sure to come. “Where were you?”

“I was over at Chad’s; lost track of time.” Jared responds nonchalantly and turns to head towards their bedroom.

Jensen lowers his head in disappointment and pain, having just caught his boyfriend in a lie. Chad had called earlier tonight, asking if they wanted to go out for pizza and some guy time. Jensen had declined the offer, saying he didn’t know where Jared was and he wanted to be there when he got home. Chad had sounded disappointed but told Jensen where he’d be if he changed his mind. No, Chad wasn’t home; Jared had lied straight to his face.

Jensen pushes himself up from the couch and slowly makes his way into their bedroom. He can hear the distant sounds of the shower running in the bathroom and knows that’s where Jared ran off to. His clothes are lying carelessly on the bed where he threw them when he stripped down for his shower.

With shaky hands, Jensen reaches out and grabs a hold of Jared’s blue-grey shirt. Almost hesitantly he lifts it to his face and a moment later tears fill his eyes. Jensen has always teased the younger man for his girly tastes in body wash while secretly loving him for it. The scent on Jared’s shirt wasn’t his own; it was heavier and manlier. Like something Jensen himself would wear, but that scent is most definitely not in his collection of cologne.

Was I even there?
Did I take up space?
Will you remember who I was,
When another takes my place?

As though he has been burned, Jensen drops the shirt back onto the bed and hugs himself for a moment, feeling betrayed and vulnerable. So many emotions are racing through his soul and he can’t help feeling physically drained. He has been suspicious up to this point but now his fears have been confirmed. Jared is cheating on him. This thought just keeps repeating over and over in his head like a broken record; tearing his heart a little more each time.

What he can’t wrap his head around is why. Why would Jared hurt him like this; why would he be so heartless as to cheat on him? When did it get so bad that Jared felt he had to cheat on him to get what he desires? Why put him through this when he could have just left? He could have broken up with him if he was that unhappy in their relationship. Sure, it would have hurt, but Jared could have avoided this… he didn’t have to hurt Jensen in this way. This pain he is experiencing is so much worse than the pain he would have felt if Jared had just ended things between them. This is just unbearable. He wants to hate his lover so badly for what he has done and what he's put him through, but he just doesn't have it in him. This whole disaster has left him defeated.

Why would he do this to me? What did I do that was so wrong that he felt I deserved this? Jensen sorrowfully questions; wracking his brain for an answer he so desperately needs. When did I stop being enough; when did he stop loving me?

Dropping to his knees, he rummages underneath the bed until his hand makes contact with that he is searching for and pulls out his duffel bag. Moving over to their closet, he violently thrusts some of his clothing into the open duffel as well as his most treasured possessions.

Jared is still in the shower, the water coming down steadily, and all Jensen wants to do is scream. It is obvious to him that Jared wants to make sure he gets the smell of the other man off of him before they go to bed. Jensen has always been thankful for this; grateful that Jared at least didn’t take the other guys to bed with them.

“This time it doesn’t matter,” Jensen whispers to the man who isn’t there to hear him before turning and walking out of the room.

Family photos
Gather dust
Favorite trinkets
Start to rust
Faces fade
Into the past
These memories were
Suppose to last

Jensen stops when he reaches the pictures on the mantel in the living room. There aren’t many photos that have earned the right to be placed here; this is the one place in the whole house that they put the photographs that mean the most to them. A couple are of Jared’s family, some of Jensen’s, and even one of their closest friends. Jared even placed a photo of Sadie and Harley up here, saying they are the closest thing he has to children and they deserve to have a picture on the mantel.

Jensen’s eyes are drawn to one picture in particular, however. In the picture their forehead’s are pressed against one another’s and they are staring down at the entwined fingers; identical smiles on their faces. Jensen smiles solemnly; he can remember distinctly when it was taken. It was when they were on their second trip to Dallas, at a barbeque that Jensen’s family had thrown in celebration of their visit.

They had been sitting under the lone willow tree in the backyard, sharing a private moment and believing no one was paying them any attention. Jensen’s dad had snapped the picture without their knowledge, though. He had it framed and then wrapped it up; giving it to them as a present for Christmas. What made it so special was this was his dad’s way of saying he finally accepted them as a couple; accepted Jared into the family.

Jensen has to force his eyes away from the picture, memories assailing him; knowing he will break down at any given moment if he doesn’t clear his head of the good times. Part of him wants nothing more than to take the picture with him, but the other part knows that he doesn’t need the reminder. He doesn’t need to torture himself with the memory of how happy they had been, and he certainly doesn’t need to be reminded of how that all fell apart.

Jensen lifts his hand to wipe away the few tears that have slid down his face but more quickly fall from his eyes to take their place. Taking his house key off of his key ring, he places it in front of the photo of them, caressing the metallic surface longingly, and lets his hand fall limply at his side. He takes one last glance at their smiling, happy faces before tearing his eyes away almost painfully and turning his back.

Jensen opens the front door and turns around to take one last look at their home. I can’t believe it’s actually come to this, he thinks silently as tears of heartbreak stain his cheeks. He can’t help feeling as though he is leaving his heart behind. That’s pretty much what I’ve been forced to do, he concludes sadly, I’ve been left with no other option. He isn’t willing to share his boyfriend anymore, though; he can’t take his pain any longer. He doesn’t want to turn his back on them, but he really doesn’t have much choice at this point.

“I’m going to bed, man.” Jared calls from the bedroom, obviously finished with his shower. “Jen, can you bring me a glass of water?”

Jensen squeezes his eyes at the sound of his lover’s voice; feeling a painful tug at his heart. “Yeah, uh… just give me a minute.”

Jared has always had to have a glass of water on his nightstand for when he wakes up in the morning, hating the taste in his mouth when he awakes. Jensen knows he is in no rush for his water; will probably be asleep long before the time Jensen would usually bring it to him. Which is good because he really doesn’t want to explain to Jared that he is leaving him; he doesn’t have the strength for that conversation at the moment. His heart is in turmoil and he is on the edge of truly breaking down… he doesn’t want Jared to be witness to his downfall; see just what he has reduced him to.

“Don’t stay up too late,” Jared says, raising his voice to be heard from the bedroom. “Don’t want ya to feel like shit when you wake up.”

Too late for that, Jensen silently says as he steps outside and quietly shuts the door behind him; symbolically closing the door on their relationship.

“I already feel like shit. You've left me shattered behind repair,” he whispers before forcing himself to walk away and not glance back.

Picture of a happier time
Before the hate
Before the crime
Pictures prove
That I was there
So tell me why
Nobody cares?

The End

Lyrics Used... Was I Even There? By Guy Whitmore